fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
