4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
