He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
