quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
