Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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