That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
