We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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