In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
