he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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