So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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