hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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