ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
