Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
