Sober January is a disaster.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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