Duck Duck Cougar?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
