Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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