I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
