I will die if light touches me.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
