Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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