Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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