she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
