the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
vagina is talking i cant
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
