I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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