Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
