I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
