Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
