If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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