Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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