just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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