i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
