Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
