i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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