the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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