oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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