Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
