I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
