I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
