Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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