I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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