Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
