Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
there is glitter all over my balls
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
