Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
