Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
