my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My pussy is not your playground.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
