i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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