Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
