so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You took a bar mat shot.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
