Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
