I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
