I feel great
I just peed on a car
Say something about gay babies.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
